


don't want none

by onetoomanycats, SoloChaos



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anaconda, Crack, Help, M/M, Nicki Minaj - Freeform, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2182896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onetoomanycats/pseuds/onetoomanycats, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloChaos/pseuds/SoloChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My anaconda don't<br/>My anaconda don't<br/>My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.</p><p> </p><p>(In the style of SoloChaos' "stay in place" fic)<br/>(except with nicki minaj)</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't want none

Tyler and his best friend Jenna are shopping at their favorite store, Forever Twenty One Pilots, when Tyler sees a hella sexilicious boy at the checkout.

“Daaaay-em,” the very gay Tyler murmurs to the also very gay Jenna. “Oh. My. Gosh. Look at his butt.”

“If he doesn’t have nice boobs I’m not interested.” Jenna says, taking step forward in the line.

“I’d play with his rifle,” Tyler says, nodding appreciatively.

“What the fuck,” Jenna replies descriptively.

“I’ll take the next in line,” the checkout boy calls.

Cutting in front of four people, Tyler calls, “You can take me!”

Jenna grabs his shirtsleeve. “Get back here!”

Four agonizing customers later, Tyler and Jenna finally make their way to the register and the sexilicious boy behind it. Tyler takes a gooooood look.

The boy coughs. “I’ll take your purchases, sir.”

Jenna nudges Tyler, who hefts his clothes onto the counter. Jenna follows suit.

“That’ll be $69.69,” the boy says as he folds their clothes and put them into a bag.

Dreamily, Tyler swipes his credit card, so transfixed that he doesn’t even mind that he’s paying for Jenna’s purchases too.

“Would you like a receipt?” the purple haired employee asks Tyler, looking slightly confused.

“Yeah,” Tyler says, snapping out of it. He takes the receipt, quickly writes his phone number on it and hands it back to the attractive checkout boy. As they begin to leave, Tyler yells out “Josh!” and puts his hand up to his ear vaguely in the shape of a telephone and mouths “Call me” with a wink and a shoulder shimmy as Jenna drags him out of the store.

Once the two very gay friends had left the premises of Forever Twenty One Pilots, Jenna stops Tyler. “How did you know his name?”

“Oh, I read his nametag. It was conveniently placed right over his nipple,” Tyler explains casually. Jenna groans.

“Of course,” she mutters.

“Wait!”

Tyler and Jenna turn to see Josh running out of the store.

“I’m telling you it’s real,” he says breathlessly. “I love your sex appeal.”

Jenna facepalms.

“Come over some time,” Tyler tells him. “I want you to toss my salad like your name’s Romaine.”

“Why are we friends,” Jenna groans into her palm.

“Because you looooove me,” Tyler says, turning to her and batting his eyelashes.

She shoves his face away with her hand. “No. Go away.”

“Hey! Dun!” someone from inside the store calls. “Get back in here!”

Josh looks at Tyler, visibly disappointed.

“Call me,” Tyler says, and Josh grins as he dashes back to the store. He winks, prompting a giggle from Tyler.

“You are the most bottomy bottom that ever bottomed,” Jenna tells him.

“Yeah, well,” Tyler flounders, “you’re gay.”

Jenna stares at him. “Thanks. I hadn’t noticed.”

Tyler sighs, looking into the distance dreamily. “Did you see how big his hands were?” he says with a dreamy smile. “I bet his dick’s bigger than a tower.” He leans in a waggles his eyebrows. “And I ain’t talking ‘bout Eiffel.”

Jenna raises an eyebrow. “We are in public.”

 

LATER. THAT. WEEK.

 

The doorbell rings at Tyler’s apartment door. But he knew that. Tyler had been sitting behind the door ever since Josh called and asked for his address.

“Come down and I’ll fuck you in my automobile,” Josh says without preamble.

Tyler blinks. “I have a perfectly good bed in here.”

Josh blinks back. “Oh. Okay.”

Tyler steps back, letting Josh in. “Is that a gun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Bitch, I came for us to kill,” Josh says, as he slips off his shoes. “I bought you Alexander McQueen,” he says, pulling a purse that miraculously fit in his back pocket.

“How did that fit in your pocket?” Tyler asks.

“I have a big fat ass,” Josh says seriously as he hands Tyler the purse.

“Aw, I love it!” Tyler says. “Thanks for keeping me stylish, babe.” He sets the purse down on the table near the door. “My ass will put yours to sleep. That’s why they call me NyQuil.”

“They call you NyQuil?”

“Yes,” Tyler says. “Now let’s fuck.”

 

After the dance with no pants, Tyler says appreciatively, “I don’t like ‘em bony, I want something I can grab.”

Josh responds, “I like a good ass too. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.”

 

THE FUCKING END

**Author's Note:**

> we're so sorry for this  
> oops


End file.
